Lean in

God does hear our prayers, he does lend his ear towards this earth and stretch out his arm that is never too short.

I’ve had a wrestling lately, an uneasy spirit that has resulted in too many sleepless nights, an edginess, but I couldn’t put my finger on it…until.

Until I picked up this book, “Come Matter Here” by Hannah Brencher. It’s her story of an “invitation to be here in a getting there world.”

She learns the art of being present through some dark days. There are so many morsels on these pages. You really need a journal and pen close by.

One paragraph stopped me and forced out a prayer. After a motorcycle ride, making deep left turns, she states “I realized in that moment, with the night air so intoxicating and the engine roaring loudly, that if I ever want to enjoy this journey, I’m going to need to learn how to trust. How to let go. How to admit I’m not in control. I am not the driver; I am just the one who leans left. I need to trust. I need to live like there’s a left turn coming up and I’m expected to lean into it. I need to trust that God will be here to cover the rest.”

I am in a season of left turns but I have been pushing to the right. I am not leaning in to the uncertain and challenging things that God has laid before me. So there is a resistance, there’s a tug-of-war and I am definitely losing.

I caught these three in a rare moment of kindness today. They were laughing, and taking care of each other. If I’m honest, they are usually fighting and causing me heart palpitations. I’ve been pushing right with them, fighting against the powerful, aggressive boys God’s giving me instead of leaning left, pressing into the potential for greatness they have. They feel the push back too and it only causes mutiny. I am going to start looking for more of these moments and stop resisting who they are.

There is a uncertain freedom in leaning into the things that God places before you, even when you feel inadequate, even when you feel anxious, even when you feel afraid. To just lean in and to trust him with the rest. Thank you, Hanna, for your heart and honesty and for teaching Us to be present when our hearts want to run away.

 

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It’s been a while

It’s been a while since I’ve written, typed lines on a screen or put pen to paper. It’s been a while since I’ve risen early to a quiet house with the warmth of coffee and the comfort of scripture. It’s been a while since I walked with my friend, and shared my heart and my fears. It’s been a while since I’ve just laughed and played with my kids without worry or agenda. It’s been a while since I’ve rested, truly had a soul rest, where I knew it would all work out.

Why is this? I think I’ll blame it on Summer. I stay up late, we sleep in, I lose my rhythm and routine. We have more fun but the discipline fades a little. So does my intention. Apathy shows up as well, and things, important things slip away. It’s my fault too, but Summer is going to be my scapegoat. 

But there was a day this week I rose early with anxiety and poured my heart out to God reading Psalm 16…”Lord, you alone are my portion and my cup; you make my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance. I will praise the Lord, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I keep my eyes always on the Lord. With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest. You will show me the path of life. I find joy in your presence.”

There was a day this week that I walked with my friend and remembered that I don’t have to change my surroundings to find peace. The Peacemaker is my best friend and lives inside me.

There was a day this week that I forgot about the chores and that unanswered prayer and played an hour of board games with two of my boys.

And there must be a day this week that I find that soul rest and truly believe Psalm 16, that the Lord is my portion and that is enough, that I have a perfect inheritance because my Abba is a King – making me his princess, that He counsels me even in sleep and I cannot be shaken because He is holding my outreached hand, that He will show me the path of life, the answers and way in the midst of uncertainty.

It’s been a while since I have believed this, this truth of who I am and what I have because of him and what he did.

It’s been too long of a while.